Prankster War
by Admiral Albia
Summary: The Marauders vs. The Weasley Twins. What more need be said? A sequel to Live Free or Die, can be read as a standalone. PG-13 for swearing.
1. Declaration of War (Sunday)

Part 1 Prankster War   
By Admiral Albia 

Right. Let's get one thing straight; 

**_YOU _*MUST*_ HAVE READ `_LIVE FREE OR DIE_` FOR THIS STORY TO MAKE SENSE AS THIS IS A DIRECT CONTINUATION!_**

Right. Now we've established that, let me explain. Remember how, at the end of _Live Free or Die_, the Weasley twins gave the Marauders some Canary Creams? Well. You didn't think the Marauders'd just let that go, did you? 

This story is also a sort-of sequel to _Marauders in Hospital_, since so many people asked for one.

Disclaimer; I do not own the Marauders, the Weasley twins, or any friends, family and enemies thereof. I do, however, own Bria, Tkaa, Binary, Milton, Aelops and Otto... oh, and the recipe for invisible chalk ;-) 

Chapter One; Declaration of War   
"Custard cream, anyone?" Fred asked the Marauders innocently. Remus shook his head.   
"No thanks, Fred, I hate the things. They do strange things to me..." He watched for a reaction, and wasn't disappointed when Fred reacted; starting to grin until he caught himself.   
"Your loss, Prof- er, Remus? They're lovely. Anyone else?" He offered the plate to Sirius.   
"Ooh, yes please..." Remus noticed that Harry, Ron, Hermione, Bill and Charlie had all gathered round and were aimlessly staring at nothing; but the nothing they were staring at put the Marauders directly in their line of vision. He wondered what the biscuits _did_; Remus had, after all, taught the Weasley twins for a year.   
It was at that exact moment that he found out, since Sirius changed suddenly into a large canary. The spectators roared with laughter.   
"I knew it! I _knew _it!" Remus yelled over the noise.   
"D'you think we should rename him Fluffles?" Harry called out, just as Sirius began to moult.   
"I _heard_ that, Harry Potter!" It was at this moment that the Weasley twins turned into a matching pair of Toby jugs, revealing James standing behind them holding a small box, his wand and with a satisfied grin on his face.   
"Zonko's Amazing Transfiguration Badges," he announced to everyone. "Great things, all you do is to put them on the victim and poke `em... _finite incantum._" Fred and George resumed their human forms.   
"Right. Fred, get the toffees..."   
"Oh, now come on, you have to do these things properly..." Fred and George looked up from the box that Fred had just conjured into his hand.   
"What?"   
"Let's do this properly. A prankster war; one week to prepare, one week to wreak havoc." Fred and George looked at each other.   
"Well... OK," Fred said.   
"Goodo! Harry, we need that Cloak back now, please... I promise I'll give it back afterwards." 

/\/\/\

"Wonder where they've all gone?" Ron asked as he, Harry and Hermione wandered aimlessly around the school two days later.   
"Well, they'll be somewhere private, somewhere they don't think the others know about," Hermione said reasonably. "Incidentally, do Fred and George know who wrote the Marauders' Map yet?"   
"No. Hey, that means the adults can spy on them!"   
"Spy? No, they're too busy," said a gloomy voice from behind them; it was Moaning Myrtle. "And if you're looking for your father, Harry, he's where he always was. In my toilet..." 

/\/\/\

As Harry eased open the door to Myrtle's toilet, a loud and extremely fake falsetto met his ears; "Go away, the toilets are taken!"   
"Yeah, right," somebody muttered from another cubicle.   
"It's OK, it's just us," Harry said hastily. "Can we come in?"   
"Do you mind?" the falsetto shrieked, "This is a _girl's_ toilet!"   
"And you're a girl, are you, Sirius?" someone called out.   
"Well, no. But it's the _principle_ of the thing..." The cubicle doors opened.   
"Hello and welcome to Marauder HQ!" James called in a cheery voice. "Please shut the door, and warn us if you see anyone coming as we are _sadly_ missing one member of our group this day and age... Sirius, what are you _doing_?"   
"You said you wanted a Divination one, didn't you?" Sirius' voice was muffled by the lid of the trunk he was looking in. The words `S. Black` were just visible on the lid.   
"Yeah, but that's your _work_ stuff... oh!"   
"Look, this is the best I can do, OK? I've written my piece, I'll show you once they've gone. Don't want to spoil the surprise, do we?"   
"James, I need that Demiguise hair... thanks..." Remus had cleaned out two of the sinks and was using them as cauldrons. "And... powdered chair leg... sheesh, we're using chair leg in a potion... thanks..."   
"Shall I leave `Wormtail` on the receipts?" Sirius called from his cubicle. Curious, Harry looked in. Sirius was now sitting on the toilet using his trunk - with the lid open and a board over it - as a table, and he was writing something. Harry frowned. Receipts?   
"Nah, leave him out. "   
"OK... it just feels so weird writing `Moony, Padfoot and Prongs` after all this time... damn! I've put Wormtail..."   
"Cross it out, then." Remus seemed to be paying more attention to whatever he was doing in the second sink than to Sirius' writing woes. "Chalk please... thanks. Right, here goes... he reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny bucket, tapped it with his wand until it grew, then reached under the sink and fiddled around; the pipe disconnected. He put the bucket under the plug-hole and pulled out the plug. The dark brownish-white liquid gurgled into the bucket and, looking disgusted, he poured it into the potion that was bubbling merrily in the other sink.   
There was a soft implosion and, when Harry, Ron and Hermione next looked into the sink, they saw nothing.   
"Um, has something gone wrong?"   
"Nope, it's invisible. Flour please, James..." Remus sprinkled some flour over the sink bottom and watched as it settled over a small lump in the middle, which he picked up carefully between finger and thumb.   
"Damn it all, I've put Wormtail _again_..."   
"How d'you spell `fornication`?   
"Is anyone interested?"   
"Well, I am..."   
"Uh, guys... we have a problem here..."   
"What?"   
"We're out of Dungbombs."   
"_WHAT?_"   
"We can't be out of Dungbombs, we're never out of Dungbombs!"   
"Right, how's this; `Hi, I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat...`"   
"C'mon, let's go," Hermione whispered, and she almost dragged the entranced Harry and Ron out of the toilets.   
"Hey! What did you do that for?"   
"I just thought... maybe we should go and find Fred and George..."   
"Hey, yeah!"   
"Great idea!" 

/\/\/\

As it turned out, Fred and George were in the Quidditch changing rooms, brewing all sorts of strange concoctions. The moment Harry, Ron and Hermione entered it became clear that Ton-Tongue Toffees were on today's menu; coloured papers littered the floor and there was a distinct sugary smell in the air.   
"Took you long enough to find us, didn't it?" Fred said as they ducked into the room, "I mean, considering the fact that the changing rooms don't_ usually_ explode..."   
"Found the adults," Ron said, poking a squishy black lump; it gurgled a little then exploded, showering him with small black lumps.   
"Really? What're they doing?"   
"No idea, they're keeping it all under wraps. Said they didn't want to spoil the surprise... what _is_ this stuff?"   
"The core for our fake wands, idiot. Leave it alone, you'll wreck it..."   
"Just out of interest, how do you determine who wins?" Hermione asked.   
"McGonagall, Flitwick and Sprout are judging, `cos they're completely unbiased." 

/\/\/  
A/n; Well, whaddaya know? This war is gonna be big, if they're impressing _Professor McGonagall..._   
**Review, pleeeeease!**   
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	2. Let Battle Commence! (Monday)

Part 2 Prankster War   
By Admiral Albia 

Remember how, at the end of _Live Free or Die_, the Weasley twins gave the Marauders some Canary Creams? Well. You didn't think the Marauders'd just let that go, did you? 

This story is also a sort-of sequel to _Marauders in Hospital_, since so many people asked for one.

Disclaimer; I do not own the Marauders, the Weasley twins, or any friends, family and enemies thereof. I do, however, own Bria, Tkaa, Binary, Milton, Aelops and Otto... oh, and the recipe for invisible chalk ;-) 

Many thanks to Aurora Lynn Rose for letting me use one of her `Messed Up Sorting Hat Songs` =D

Chapter Two; Let Battle Commence!   
It was September 1, and the prankster war was set to begin at the start-of-term feast. Having been shoved away by Fred and George, who claimed to be `too busy to have visitors`, Harry, Ron and Hermione were hanging around Marauder HQ, where things were definitely getting strange.   
"_Confundus!_ What's your name?"   
"Peter Pettigrew..."   
"Aaargh! _Finite incantum! _What's your name?"   
"Sirius Black, _duh_."   
"Phew... Remus, is this _your_ fur lying around?"   
"Do I look furry?"   
"It's werewolf hair... you're shedding!"   
"I am not!"   
"Is there a tune to this song, or is it just a song?"   
"Sirius, are you sure you'll be able to stay in character when you do this?"   
"Hey, I'm an actor. Don't diss my talent..."   
"Fine... but if you start laughing..."   
"Um. Are we going to go and scare Snape to death, or aren't we?"   
"Oh, shit, I almost forgot! Do you three want to come?"   
"Yeah!" 

/\/\/\

For the past week, Snape had remained blissfully unaware that James and Lily Potter were alive; something that was about to change. It was a bit of a squash, with three fully-grown men and three teenagers under the Cloak, but they managed it by the simple process of placing an Engorgement Charm on the Cloak until it was big enough to cover them all... 

/\/\/\

"Why do _I_ always have to do the voices?"   
"Because you're _good_ at voices! Go on!" Sirius sighed, and raised his voice.   
"Severus Snape?" to Harry's surprise, the voice was completely unrecognizable as Sirius'; it was deeper, spooky-sounding and it was strangely easy to associate with the Bloody Baron. Snape jumped.   
"Baron? What are... where are you?"   
"Over here," Sirius said, adding in whisper "you mindless moronic sludgeball." Hermione suppressed a giggle.   
"Over where? Are you invisible?"   
"No, _duh_," Remus muttered.   
"Yes, I am invisible. I have a visitor for you..." They dropped the Cloak.   
"Well, good morning, Snape," James said in an extremely falsely bright voice.   
Snape's face was a picture; Disbelief battling Nausea in the foreground, closely backed by Disgust firing a broadside at Horror.   
"You..." he managed, before his throat apparently seized up. Sirius nodded sympathetically.   
"It took me like that, too. Only I fainted."   
"You're a... a vision, a ghost, you're... you're _dead!_"   
"You know, it's really annoying when people say that, because I'm not. Neither's Lily; she's around somewhere..."   
"He has a pulse," Remus volunteered, "and he's breathing..."   
"_You_ had something to do with this, didn't you?" Snape snarled, glaring at Harry. 

/\/\/\

It was very strange, standing in the Entrance Hall watching the horseless carriages roll up to the castle rather than actually being in them, but at least it meant that Harry, Hermione, Neville (who had stayed at the school since Sirius' trial) and the Weasleys stayed dry.   
It wasn't exactly raining outside; it was worse. Very fine drops of water were cascading down, fine enough to act like fog rather than rain but heavy enough to get everyone wet, and Harry, Ron and Hermione had the pleasure of seeing Malfoy, absolutely soaking wet and with his hair dripping everywhere, slip on a particularly wet piece of grass and fall face down into the mud. 

/\/\/\

"Ahem." Dumbledore got to his feet and the hall fell silent. "Just before we begin the Sorting, I believe I should mention that there is a prankster war about to commence, so if anything strange happens do not be alarmed. Now, let the Sorting begin!" Professor McGonagall carried the Sorting hat in and placed it on the stool. Silence fell, broken only by the Marauders whispering something... then the hat began to sing. _A/n; Many, MANY thanks to Aurora Lynn Rose for letting me use this song and what happens afterwards!>_

> > > > > _Hi, I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat_   
_I know that you don't care_   
_So I'll just sing this stupid song_   
_While you all sit and stare_   
_See, Slytherin was an evil git_   
_Hufflepuff was a sped_   
_Ravenclaw was into smart people shit_   
_But who cares, `cos now they're all dead._   
_Gryffindor, who digged wielding big ruby swords_   
_Made me be the person to choose_   
_Aww, dammit, I forgot the words_   
_I've got to stop drinking that booze..._

Almost everyone stared at the hat in amazement; the Slytherins just continued to glare at it as they had ever since it called their founder `an evil git`. 

> > > > > _So, here I've sat for years and years_   
_Writing song after song_   
_So try me on, have no fears_   
_PS - Professor Snape wears a thong!_

The stares all diverted to Snape, who went bright red and started shaking his head defiantly, muttering something under his breath.   
"What's he saying?" James asked Remus.   
"Uhm... unfair, unfair... no, Poppy, I _don't_... how did the hat _know?_... Sybill, I _don't_..." At which point Lily had such a fit of the giggles she had to duck under the table, joining Parvati and Lavender who were also in near hysterics. Professor McGonagall sighed.   
"The judges would like to know who... ah." She stopped as a small piece of paper suddenly appeared in front of Dumbledore's nose, squealing in a high, nasal voice; `Sign here please! Sign here please! Sign here please!` "The Marauders, I presume?" They nodded, grinning, as Dumbledore signed the parchment, which vanished with a small _pop_. "Now... when I call you name you will sit on the stool and place the hat on your head... Applebee, Abigail!" A small girl stumbled forwards and placed the hat on her head. More interesting than the Sorting, though, was the staff table; Snape's mutterings were growing more and more angry, and he was beginning to go purple...   
"RAVENCLAW!"   
"Boron, Henry!"   
"SLYTHERIN!"   
"Deggins, Michael!"   
"GRYFFINDOR!"   
The Sorting continued, with Snape's ever-louder mutters in the background. Finally, he snapped.   
"Mows, Mick!"   
"I WEAR PLAID BOXERS!" Snape screamed, jumping up suddenly; the whole school - Slytherins included - burst out laughing and he ran, sobbing, out of the hall, while the rip on the Sorting hat's brim opened wide, and it yelled...   
"YEAH, WHATEVER, MR. SPANDEX!" Professor McGonagall walked calmly up to the staff table and began to bang her head on it, while the hat continued to make it's judgement of Mick Mows.   
"THIS KID IS DEAF!" It screamed suddenly, "HE'S JUST GONE DEAF BECAUSE OF ME YELLING IN HIS EAR ALL THE TIME!"   
"What _house, _hat?" Dumbledore asked sternly.   
"Oh... HUFFLEPUFF!" 

/\/\/\

Once the Sorting was over, and Professor McGonagall had found sufficient sanity to clear the hat away, Dumbledore stood up.   
"Was that a Confundus Charm?" he asked the Marauders. They nodded.   
"And a very good one too, I don't doubt. However... tuck in, everyone!" The food appeared. 

/\/\/\

The feast progressed unhampered until the puddings came; then things started happening.   
It began on the Slytherin table; suddenly, around a third of them turned into large canaries; another third began to suffer the effects of a Ton-Tongue Toffee; and the last third (who hadn't eaten either the biscuits or the toffees) panicked. Fred and George high-fived.   
"Fred and George, would you be so kind as to help us with the tongues?" Madam Pomfrey called from the Slytherin table. They got up... and the Marauders moved into action, Remus and Sirius pulling out their wands and pointing them into the box which Remus had put the stuff he'd made in the sink into, then at the chairs which Fred and George had just vacated.. It was hard to see exactly what was going on, but it looked like they were writing something - backwards - on the twins' chairs. It was only at the end that anyone found out what. 

/\/\/\

And what a laugh it got, when Fred and George stood up, and headed towards the door... because on Fred's back was written, in bright pink chalk, the word 

`TWEEDLE-DUM`

And on George's back the words 

`TWEEDLE-EVEN-   
DUMBER`

And the moment anyone noticed, the receipts popped up, squealing `Sign here please! Sign here please!` over and over again. Fred and George chose to ignore them, but by the time the Gryffindors went to bed - an hour later - they were yelling `Sign here you idiot! Sign here you idiot!" So, looking very annoyed, and watched by three triumphant Marauders, the Weasley twins signed. 

/\/\/  
A/n; hope you liked! I'm desperate to get part three out, so don't be surprised if I upload it today =P   
Many, many, MANY thanks to Aurora Lynn Rose for letting me use her `Messed Up Sorting Hat Songs`, and also, to all my readers... REVIEW! PLEASE! *sob* I WEAR PINK UNDIES! Ahem.


	3. Divination (Tuesday)

Part 3 Prankster War   
By Admiral Albia 

Remember how, at the end of _Live Free or Die_, the Weasley twins gave the Marauders some Canary Creams? Well. You didn't think the Marauders'd just let that go, did you? 

This story is also a sort-of sequel to _Marauders in Hospital_, since so many people asked for one.

Disclaimer; I do not own the Marauders, the Weasley twins, or any friends, family and enemies thereof. I do, however, own Bria, Tkaa, Binary, Milton, Aelops and Otto... oh, and the recipe for invisible chalk ;-) Many thanks to my new beta-reader, Caitlin Black =D 

Chapter Three; Divination   
"Why do we have to have _Divination_ as our first lesson of the week?" Ron grumbled as he and Harry walked to the North Tower next morning.   
"Dunno, but it's certainly rotten luck," Harry agreed. "Come on, let's find out how I'm going to die _this_ week..." and he led the way up the ladder perhaps a little more slower than if it were another class. Once inside, he and Ron sat down at the very back of the room, and waited.   
There seemed to be a commotion of some sort going on in Professor Trelawney's office; there was certainly an argument in progress, though the voices were so low and Harry and Ron were so far away that it was impossible to make out what was being said; and in any case, the room was now filling up incredibly fast.   
"Good morning, my dears," Professor Trelawney said in her misty voice once they were all settled, "we shall begin with your homework. What did you see when you crystal-gazed over the holidays?"   
"Myself," Ron muttered. Harry stifled a snigger.   
"Shall I tell you what I saw when I last gazed, my dears?" Professor Trelawney inquired, though the class knew they didn't have much of a choice. Lavender and Parvati nodded eagerly and started to edge forward in their seats.   
"Me dying, _duh_," Harry murmured. There was a snort from somewhere behind him; he looked round, but nobody was there.   
"I saw... I saw..." Professor Trelawney paused dramatically, then, her voice sinking to a whisper, she said, "I saw an ugly old bat in glasses, my dears, staring up at me from the mists! And it was at that second, my dears, that I discovered... I discovered I needed a makeover badly..." The entire class stared at her.   
"Too right," Seamus muttered.   
"And I also discovered something else, my dears..." Harry groaned; here it came... "I discovered that the conjunction of Mars against Venus means I must admit something to you." She paused again. "I must admit, my dears, that I am a batty old witch with as much Seeing power as a frog in a hosepipe..." Parvati gasped; Lavender spoke up.   
"But that's not true, Professor! You're a true Seer, aren't you?"   
"Alas, no, my dear, I merely go through the motions. But now we shall begin advanced palmistry..." 

/\/\/\

"OK, let's see..." Ron bent over Harry's palm. "Hmm, I can definitely tell you one thing... you need to wash your hands." There was a small gasp from behind Harry; both he and Ron looked round this time, but there was still nobody there.   
"You are having problems, my dear." Professor Trelawney had arrived. "Give me your palm, dear..." she took Harry's hand, and Harry noticed something; the last time they'd done palmistry, she'd demonstrated on him; and she hadn't had calluses then. In fact, Professor Trelawney's hands seemed to have changed quite a lot; while the fingers were still rather slender, it now looked as though she actually did physical work for a living... he shook it off, she was inspecting his hand closely. "Your hands are filthy, my dear, you must wash them. However..." she grasped his hand more firmly, then gasped. The whole class turned round.   
"What?" Harry asked, though he knew what she would say.   
"My dear... you have no lifeline, it has dwindled to nothing!"   
"So... I'm going to die?" Harry said, taking a guess and pretending to be completely and utterly shocked at this proclamation.   
"No, no, my dear, far worse... you are _dead_, my dear..." A chortle issued from behind Harry, followed by an `ow!`. 

/\/\/\

"Would you two stay behind for a few minutes, please, dears?" Professor Trelawney asked Harry and Ron at the end of the lesson. They nodded, looked at each other in a quizzical manner, and sat back down.   
The moment the trapdoor had shut, the room erupted with laughter, and in the corner which Harry had had his back to James and Remus suddenly appeared, having dropped the Cloak. Professor Trelawney was bellowing, too; and as they watched, she slipped her `hair` off her head, revealing freshly cut short, black hair; it was Sirius, and he was laughing so hard it didn't look like he'd ever stop.   
"Oh, God, that was good," he said finally, when he'd recovered enough to remove his glasses, "your _faces_ when I said I saw an ugly old bat..." he collapsed with laughter again.   
"I haven't laughed like that in years," Remus said, still grinning. "We'd better sort this out, though. Ah, the judges! Marks?" Professors McGonagall, Flitwick and Sprout had just appeared in the doorway.   
"Three perfect tens," Professor Sprout called.   
"Woohoo! But we'd better wake up the _real_ Sybill Trelawney... it's OK, you two, you can go..." Harry and Ron left the room, beginning to laugh themselves now.   
"Oh my, I never saw such a good actor..." Ron said with a chuckle. "I mean, he said he was an actor, but... wow. Just wow."   
"Have a good Divination lesson, did you?" Hermione asked brightly; she was waiting for them outside the room.   
"Yeah, actually, really brilliant... oh, my _God_... `I must admit that I'm a batty old witch...`" Ron and Harry began to laugh again as they followed a bemused Hermione down the stairs. 

/\/\/  
A/n; Short chapter, I know, I'm sorry =P But this one's been buzzing round my head for days... well, review please! Would you give it a perfect ten? And I repeat, many thanks to my wonderful new beta-reader =)   
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	4. Potions (Wednesday)

Part 4 Prankster War   
By Admiral Albia 

In which the Weasley twins greatly annoy Snape, Harry fights Malfoy, and dear old Draco develops a crush... 

Disclaimer; I do not own the Marauders, the Weasley twins, or any friends, family and enemies thereof. I do, however, own Bria, Tkaa, Binary, Milton, Aelops and Otto... oh, and the recipe for invisible chalk ;-). Mr William Shakespeare owns (owned?) the quotations the Weasley twins use here. Many thanks to my new beta-reader, Caitlin Black =D 

Chapter Four; Potions (Wednesday)   
"How's it doing?"   
"Nearly there..."   
"What're you doing?" Ron asked as he and Harry popped their heads round the changing room door. George raised his eyebrows.   
"No Hermione?"   
"Nah, she's just discovered that Harry's mum shares her love of libraries... what _are_ you doing?"   
"Making... something. Any more, Fred?"   
"Nope, sorry. This seems to be about the lot." Fred put down his quill and sighed. "What did the other lot get? I heard about Divination."   
"Three tens."   
"Damn, we're gonna have to be good..."   
"This is gonna _be_ good." George took the cauldron he'd been stirring off the fire and peered into it. "Please, Lord, don't let me have mucked this up..."   
"...again..." Fred added. George made a face at his twin.   
"I'd like to see you try... hey! I've done it!" The potion was silvery-white, the same colour as Harry's Invisibility Cloak.   
"Weird." Ron stared at the surface, his face reflected in the liquid. "What is it?"   
"Invisibility Potion." That explained it, Harry thought. "Now buzz off, we want to try it..."   
"Aren't you going to tell us what you're planning?" Ron asked, surprised.   
"Nah - it's going to be during one of your classes, we felt like teaching that git Malfoy a lesson while we're at it."   
"Fine. C'mon, Harry, let's go find Hermione." 

/\/\/\

But Hermione - and Lily - weren't in the library; nor were they in the common room, nor were they anywhere else Harry and Ron could think of. In desperation, they tried Marauder HQ, despite the fact that they'd already been sent away twice from there. Lily was in there, having quite an animated conversation with Myrtle to their surprise, but no Hermione. Eventually, Harry and Ron gave up and assumed she'd come to Potions, which ws their next lesson; and turn up she did, though without any books or even her wand.   
"Hermione, have you gone mad?" Ron asked, eyeing her bagless shoulders quizzically. She grinned.   
"No, I've just taken a tip from Harry's mum. Look." She reached into her right sleeve, and pulled out her copy of _Magical Drafts and Potions_. "Spelled sleeves," she said happily, correctly reading their stunned faces, "so I can carry anything I need without having to lug a bag around..."   
"Because obviously you're too good to carry things like the rest of us, you filthy little Mudblood," a familiar drawl said behind them; Malfoy had arrived. Harry grabbed the back of Ron's robes instinctively as they both whipped round. Somebody else, however, growled; it wasn't anyone they could see, but that meant very little in the school these days.   
"You know, Malfoy," Hermione said thoughtfully, staring at a space just above his head, "it's a strange thing, but I've been reading the _Prophet_ over the holidays, and from what I can tell most of the people in Azkaban are pure-blood, which means that, overall, we're much nicer than you." She smiled mistily, and Harry suddenly saw what she was looking at; Hermione wasn't just gazing into space, she was looking at Fred and George Weasley, who had slipped up behind the group and were now opening bottles containing their Invisibility Potion; they looked just as angry as Ron. The growl came again, though it sounded a little less angry this time.   
"They're in Azkaban because they're sensible enough to want scum like you cleaned off the face of this planet," Malfoy retorted; then, he nodded at Harry. "Scum like his mother too; that Pettigrew was quite right, in my opinion -" and suddenly it was Ron's turn to grab Harry's robes, and from behind Malfoy the Invisibility Cloak finally dropped, revealing Remus hanging grimly onto both of his friends at once... Malfoy, who hadn't yet discovered about Harry's parents, gawped at the sudden sight of _two_ Potters trying to get close enough to murder him...   
"Is there a problem?" a soft voice asked, despite all evidence. Malfoy turned...   
... and his jaw dropped. James relaxed suddenly, leaving Remus free to use both hands on Sirius. Lily sighed.   
"_Is_ there a problem? Ah, James, there you are. Alyssa's owl just came through, she'll be up here tomorrow."   
"Right," James mumbled. Then he perked up suddenly. "What about the others?"   
"Joyce nearly had a heart attack when I photocalled but said yes, and so did Mark... I said I'd explain tomorrow."   
"Right..." Malfoy was still staring at Lily.   
"What's going on?" A curt voice asked from behind them all - Snape had arrived. "Come on, move in, don't just stand there gawking..."   
"Here he comes, swelling like a turkey-cock," a vaguely familiar voice said suddenly from the door as Snape moved to the front of the room; he glared around, but nobody had spoken.   
Ron, however, was grinning as he unpacked his ingredients. When Harry asked him in a whisper what was so funny, he grinned even wider and muttered, "It's Fred." Unfortunately, Snape saw his lips moving.   
"Talking in class, Weasley? Ten points from Gryffindor."   
"There's a stewed phrase indeed!" said a voice which Harry now recognized as George's. Snape glared round once more.   
"Thou hast no speculation in those eyes, which thou dost glare with," Fred's disembodied voice called across the classroom. Hermione giggled, causing Snape to take another five points from Gryffindor and George to repeat his earlier phrase.   
"Everyone settle down!" Snape said angrily, as even the Slytherins began to smile. Snape began to explain the lesson.   
"...After you have done this, you will tip your powdered beetle eyes into your cauldrons-"   
"Will you credit this base drudge's words, that speaks he knows not what?" George's voice rang out once more. Snape began to go red with anger.   
"I can hardly forbear hurling things at him," Fred agreed.   
"To be so odd and from all fashions cannot be commendable."   
"Were't not for laughing I should pity him." Snape had almost had enough.   
"Be quiet," he ordered   
"I will do nothing at thy bidding," George said from somewhere near Malfoy, "make thy requests to thy friend." Malfoy was suddenly dragged by invisible, but strong, hands to the front of the room. Hermione was grinning once more.   
"What?" Harry and Ron asked her in undertones.   
"They're quotes from Shakespeare... I've never heard them used so well before, not even at my old school..." Hermione began to laugh again. "We used to have this game in English, where you had to insult each other using Shakespearean insults only. But this is the best ever..."   
"Ten points from Gryffindor, Granger," Snape said; he was now angrier than they'd ever seen him.   
"Goodly Lord, what a wit-snapper you are!" Fred cried.   
"SHUT UP!" Snape had now completely lost his cool.   
"That's somewhat madly spoken."   
"Can I endure to hear this arrogance? And from this fellow?"   
"Be quiet, Weasleys," Snape ordered; he seemed to be past anger now, and he had evidently worked out who was insulting him so eloquently. "Or I shall take fifty points from Gryffindor _for each of you_!" As a matter of fact, none of the Gryffindors in the room cared; they were having too much fun.   
"I find the ass in compound with the major part of your syllables," George said merrily.   
"If the others be brain'd like you, the state totters," Fred added.   
"One hundred points from Gryffindor," Snape said softly, eyes glinting.   
"Such a want-wit!" George deplored him.   
"Thou dost talk nothing to me," Fred told Snape, "you whoreson, beetle-headed, flap-eared knave!" The Gryffindors gave up all pretence and began to laugh.   
"Get out," Snape said suddenly, softly, dangerously. "Get out. Both of you. Wherever you are. NOW!"   
"Mend my company, take away thyself."   
"You tread upon my patience," Fred added. "Thy brains are useless, boil'd within thy skull." Footsteps echoed across the floor, and the door opened, revealing the Marauders and Lily, who had been listening intently and who were all chuckling merrily.   
"Hell is empty, and all the devils are here," Lily said with a grin, her wave taking in herself, the Marauders, the space where everyone assumed the Weasley twins were, and most of the classroom.   
"He's more, had I more name for badness," George said; and the door closed, leaving the class in peace. This was not necessarily a good thing, with Snape in his current mood; at least with Fred and George in the room he'd had a channel for all the anger. The class resumed, though it was now too late to begin making anything; they would have to sit and listen to Snape for the rest of the lesson.   
Snape droned on... and on... and... 

BOOM!

A sudden explosion made them all jump (and wake up); then they realised it was, not one big explosion, but hundreds of little ones, all at once; this was confirmed by the sudden smell of Dungbombs and a series of pops, cracks and whistles as Dr Filibuster's Amazing No-Heat, Wet-Start Fireworks went off in all corners of the room. Snape picked up his wand _A/n; He must have one, right?>_ to remove the remains of the Dungbombs and fireworks from the room; it hissed violently and changed into a three-foot-long rubber snake, and just as he found his _real_ wand the bell rang. 

/\/\/\

"Did they go off?" Fred asked eagerly as the Gryffindors piled out of the room, eager to leave Snape to his own fury. The twins were visible once more, wearing identical, evil grins on their faces.   
"Yeah, it was hilarious! How'd you make them go off?"   
"Set spells," James guessed. They nodded.   
"We set the spells to drop the Dungbombs and wet the fireworks," George said, still grinning. "Beat that if you can!"   
"We probably can't," James said despondently. Then he perked up. "But I bet we can beat you at Quidditch!"   
"There's three of you, and two of us," Fred pointed out. James shook his head.   
"I don't mean that. We've contacted our old Gryffindor Quidditch team - so it'd be the old one versus the current one. We contacted your old Keeper, he's coming back... and Dumbledore says tomorrow's OK." Harry and the twins stared at each other.   
"OK," Fred said at last, "But we need to train."   
"Fine by me," said a voice behind them. They turned round, surprised.   
"Oliver! You're back!"   
"`Course I am, I wasn't going to leave you lot standing. Get the team together, and be out on the pitch in half an hour." 

/\/\/  
A/n; Don't flame me, this is the beginning of a Marauder trick =) Hope you liked it, review please! I had to bring Wood back `cause I've had to make up the other team's Seeker, Keeper and third Chaser and I'm all out of names... =P   
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	5. Quidditch (Thursday)

Part 5 Prankster War   
By Admiral Albia 

In which Sirius kills Remus, Malfoy's crush develops and the words `trick Quaffle` appear... 

Disclaimer; I do not own the Marauders, the Weasley twins, or any friends, family and enemies thereof. I do, however, own Bria, Tkaa, Binary, Milton, Aelops and Otto... oh, and the recipe for invisible chalk ;-). Many thanks to my new beta-reader, Caitlin Black =D 

Chapter Five; Quidditch (Thursday)   
"They're good, James. D'you think we'll manage to beat them?"   
"Sure we will!" James fished in the small shopping bag he was carrying and pulled out a Quaffle. "As long as we remember it's a Prankster War..." Realization dawned on Sirius' face.   
"Oh, I see... Snitch too?"   
"Snitch too. Ah, they're coming off. C'mon, peeps, let's get in half an hour's practice before the match..." 

/\/\/\

"Hey, Potter!"   
"Yes?"   
"Yes?"   
"Yes?" Harry grinned. He knew by the voice that it was Malfoy, but it was still nice to have three people responding... _A/n; the third one's his aunt Alyssa, not Lily. NOT Lily, geddit?_>   
"Oh..." Malfoy stopped, confused. "I... uh... um..." he stopped and stared again as Lily came over.   
"Catching flies?" she asked him sweetly. His mouth banged shut.   
"I... um... good luck, Harry..." The entire younger team stared at him, and Harry noticed with interest that Malfoy had gone bright red.   
"If that's all you wanted to say, you could at least have said it earlier," Lily said grumpily, "I was just steeling myself to mount. Stop staring at me like that!" Malfoy continued to stare. "Good heavens, what _is_ it with you? Even Harry didn't stare this much, and he thought I was dead!"   
"I... um... I mean..." Lily snorted and walked off to where Joyce - a young woman with short brown hair - was holding her broom. "She's beautiful," Malfoy murmured, once her back was turned.   
"What the... hey, do you mind? That's my wife you've got a crush on!"   
"And he sounds just like you, James." Sirius' voice turned flawlessly into his friend's. "Oh, that hair, that beautiful, wonderful hair... and the eyes, those gorgeous green eyes..."   
"...and the way the hair contrasts so perfectly with the eyes," Remus joined in, though without the voice, "and oh! That smile, the smile that makes me want to do anything for her..."   
"...even throw myself off a cliff..."   
"...exactly, and the teeth, those pearly white gnashers that dazzle me to death..."   
"You're embarrassing Lily, guys."   
"No we're not, James, we're embarrassing you. And her voice is so perfect, so utterly perfect, especially when she locks Sirius in a cupboard because I poured half a ton of slugs down her robes -" Sirius winced.   
"Oh-ho! It was _you_, was it?" Lily had heard. "And I always thought it was Sirius, too, you little..." she began to chase James round the pitch.   
"Not so little now," Remus said, leaning on his broomstick which was hovering at just the right height.   
"No." Sirius sniffed. "Saddest day of my life, that was, coming back after summer and finding him past my waist..."   
"I was NEVER that short!" James yelled from the other side of the pitch. However, the imminent argument was broken up by the arrival of Madam Hooch and the Quidditch balls.   
As Sirius walked past Harry, though, he murmured, "He was." 

/\/\/\

"And they're off!" Lee Jordan announced through his enchanted megaphone, "This will be close, folks - both of these teams have only ever lost one game in their entire playing history, one team here will break their record today... and it's James Potter with the Quaffle, but Fred Weasley sends a Bludger at him and he's dropped it... it's picked up by Alicia Spinnet, pass to Katie Bell, pass to Angelina Johnson, she's in the scoring area... she's _out_ of the scoring area? She's in again... she's out again, and the old team are grinning like idiots... what the **** was _that_?"   
"JORDAN!"   
"Sorry, Professor... it looks as if the Quaffle is dragging Angelina out of the scoring area, Lily Potter -"   
"- Evans - "   
"Are you sure, Professor?"   
"What? Oh, Potter, sorry, wasn't thinking..."   
"Lily _Potter_ has the Quaffle, she's darting, she's ducking, she ain't diving for some reason but never mind, she shoots, no she doesn't, _now_ she shoots, she scores! And it seems even the most amazing Keeper ever, Oliver Wood, couldn't see that coming... but he'll be wise to that trick next time, just because they're _aiming_ for that hoop doesn't mean they have to throw into it, Oliver - she passes to James Potter, George Weasley sends a Bludger to follow it up, and _oh, my God!_" From ten feet above the goal hoops, Harry looked down to see what Lee Jordan was panicked about; it became clear immediately. His father was hanging upside down on his broomstick, swaying wildly. The rest of the adult team didn't seem too bothered, though; Joyce Jimmons, the other Chaser for the adults, had taken the Quaffle and was scoring repeatedly without Wood taking the blindest bit of notice. Alyssa, the Seeker, was searching for the Snitch as though nothing was happening, and Sirius and Remus were playing a dangerous kind of `catch` with one of the Bludgers, until Sirius sent it flying into Alicia Spinnet's broomtail, causing her to spin around like a whirlwind in mid-air.   
"Seems like he ducked back to avoid the Bludger and misbalanced," Lee Jordan told the crowd, "he's swaying... he's jumped off the broom... he's doing a somersault... he's back on the broom, the oldies now lead by one hundred and ten points to zero. Come on girls, get that Quaffle down your end... Katie Bell has the Quaffle and I do believe Harry's seen the Snitch!" Harry had; it was just behind Sirius, outlined against his hair like some strangely-coloured star; just seconds before Harry caught it, he pelted off after a Bludger. Then a very strange thing happened.   
The Golden Snitch opened on tiny hinges. A small silver bird popped out, cuckooed twice, jammed a dunce cap on his head and called in a squeaky voice, "Sorry, wrong Snitch! Better luck next time, moron!" before the whole thing - except the dunce cap - vanished. The adults howled with laughter.   
"Well, it looks like even Harry isn't spared the pranks which have been going on this week, folks, and Katie Bell just got dragged out of the scoring area by the Quaffle... is it just me, or are these adults cheating? Well, whatever it is, Alicia Spinnet's going to try her luck... and would you believe it, she's been pulled out too! There's something not quite right here... anyway, Joyce Jimmons with the Quaffle now, ducks a Bludger, ducks the other Bludger, ducks the first Bludger going the other way... she's through, she shoots and scores, comes out of the scoring area, passes to James Potter... is anyone else getting the feeling this is, in a word, UNFAIR?"   
"JORDAN!"   
"Yes, sorry, Professor, Potter out of scoring area, pass to the other Potter, this is confusing since there's four Potters on the pitch, the Bludgers are coming over thick and fast now, a volley between Fred and George, but Sirius Black and Remus Lupin are good at their jobs too, and this move is working... here come the young'uns' Chasers, looks like they're going to gate-crash the move just as... Lily Potter passes to Joyce Jimmons and... _what the hell is that stuff_?" Something silvery was shooting out of the wand of every Slytherin in the stands; as one whooshed past his nose, Harry saw that it was, in fact, silver. His heart jolted horribly; _silver kills werewolves_. And indeed, most of the strands seemed to be heading for Remus... Harry dipped into the huddles of bodies that was the main Quidditch game, just as Joyce Jimmons scored twice more and came tearing back. There was an argument going on in the middle of the group.   
"Remus, I'm not doing it. Understand?"   
"I'll be fine. It's tonight, I'll barely lose any time..."   
"What if it goes wrong, or doesn't work, or something?"   
"Do it."   
"No. There's not enough space and I don't have a Bludger."   
"Clear a space and find a Bludger!"   
"No!"   
"Sirius, I'm asking you nicely!"   
"And I'm telling you nicely that I WON'T!" James sighed.   
"Just do it, Sirius, we've done it before."   
"Yeah, and we didn't have to have a blazing row last time, either!"   
"Listen. Last time it was spur-of-the-moment thinking, I didn't have time to tell anyone and we had the blazing row _afterwards_. That time with Otto it was the same, and anyway all you have to do is to pull out the damn stake. I'm not doing it to one of my friends."   
"You've already done it to me once! _And_ Otto."   
"Oh, _fine_." Sirius reached out and grabbed a Bludger that was heading towards him. "Everyone get out of the way, and don't expect this to be pretty..." he paused. "Are you _sure_ you want me to do this?"   
"Yes!"   
"Have you had your potion?"   
"Yes, and stop putting it off!"   
"Right. On three, OK? One. Two-" Sirius whacked the Bludger straight at Remus; it hit him in the ribs and knocked him off his broom, and he fell... Harry stared as he hit the ground with a horribly final-sounding _splat_. It suddenly seemed as though he was completely alone in the universe. Sirius had just killed Remus... he felt anger rising from somewhere around his stomach, and grabbed the nearest thing, squashing it in his fist...   
...and then he looked down, and realized that what he was squashing was the Golden Snitch. The game was over.   
"Come on," Sirius said from behind him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Harry shook it off and turned to glare at his godfather.   
"You killed him!"   
"Yes and no. Come down and look." Numbly, Harry landed. Sirius drew him a safe distance away, then pointed. The sun was setting; but more importantly, the full moon was rising. And as it did so, Remus' body began to mutate, the way they'd seen it happen before...   
"But he's dead," Harry whispered. He looked at Sirius. "Isn't he?"   
"He _was_. I didn't kill him with fire, silver or old age, though, so he's back. They're the only three things that can kill - _really_ kill - a werewolf. Undead, see? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and mend his poor broken wolf body... why not go and help beat up the Slytherins?" 

/\/\/  
A/n; I know, I'm sorry, that bit wasn't Humour, but it's necessary for the *series* that I write that in at some point, and when better to do it? Hope you liked the rest of it, please don't flame me about Remus dying. He'll be fine by tomorrow ;-)   
I'm terribly sorry, folks, but I have to go on holiday for three weeks =( I'll continue this when I get back, promise, and the next chapter will be happy all the way =)


	6. Weasleys Strike Back (Friday)

Part 6 Prankster War   
By Admiral Albia 

In which Sirius has a `bad hair day`, Fred and George bewitch some bedsheets and rumours abound... 

Disclaimer; I do not own the Marauders, the Weasley twins, or any friends, family and enemies thereof. I do, however, own Bria, Tkaa, Binary, Milton, Aelops and Otto... oh, and the recipe for invisible chalk ;-). Many thanks to my beta-reader, Caitlin Black =D 

Chapter Six; Weasleys Strike Back (Friday)   
Sirius was quite right; Remus was back the next day, explaining over and over again that dying was usually only temporary for werewolves, and complaining that Hogwarts should teach magical medicine. In truth, all the Marauders were grumpy; as Lily pointed out, they'd been up all night. Sirius in particular seemed to be snapping at anyone who came close, except for Tkaa and Bria, both of whom flatly refused to leave him alone anyway.   
"I just don't get what you did," Harry said to his mother at lunch. "With the balls, I mean. Well, and with Remus."   
"The balls are specially made ones," Lily explained, "the boys developed them to do the things you saw. They're particularly proud of the Quaffle, that took ages to get right. I thought Sirius explained about Remus?"   
"He did, and I think I get that, but why did you need to kill him if you knew it'd only be temporary?" Lily sighed.   
"Can you kill a corpse? We did it to save his life; if that silver had hit its mark, he'd have died, end of story."   
"Oh." 

_A/n; Do you all get this? The silver would have killed him permanently, but falling off his broom just killed him until the moon rose. It helps if you've read _Men At Arms_ by Terry Pratchett.>_   
/\/\/\

"...and _this_ is our new plan?"   
"Yep. We've got to do every single one separately, so hurry up!"   
"OK..." Fred stopped. "How do we do the girls'?"   
"Can we worry about that later?" George sighed. "We only have lunchtime and people are always coming up here to get their books, so hurry up?"   
"Oh, right. Let's go, then." 

/\/\/\

"Uh, Sirius?"   
"Go away." Harry suppressed a sigh.   
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry I yelled at you last night."   
"Sure you did." Sirius ran his hand gently over Bria's back, causing her to let out a sound remarkably like a purr. "And then you'll go off and talk behind my back, and the rumours will fly once more, because someone with my background only has to put one toe out of line and suddenly everyone knows everything about me."   
"Why'd I want to talk about you behind your back?" Harry asked, confused. Sirius smiled bitterly.   
"I had to do that twice before; kill my friends, I mean. Both times, people started talking behind my back, usually about things which they weren't meant to know about me. I have no reason to assume that this time will be any different, do I?" He stood up suddenly, spilling Bria onto the floor. "I'm going out."   
"What did I say?" Harry wondered aloud as the portrait hole closed behind his godfather. 

/\/\/\

Sirius didn't come back until supper, but he looked a lot happier than when he'd left. He refused to tell anyone where he'd gone, however, and they eventually gave up asking; the conversation turned to how to best get revenge on the Slytherins for what they'd tried to do to Remus. It was a fascinating subject, but nothing seemed to be nasty enough; even Lily's suggestion that they drop a nuclear bomb into the Slytherin common room was discarded. Ron said that maybe they could stop the house-elves going into the Slytherin common room for a week, and Sirius suggested the entire Forbidden Forest coming into the castle and rampaging the Slytherins, but nothing was decided, except that something had to be done. 

/\/\/\

Harry was glad to slide into bed that night, and not just because it was the weekend tomorrow. Minor pranks had been coming in from all directions, mainly from Fred and George, though the Marauders had somehow found the energy to drop an entire box of fireworks into the fire in the common room. Consequently, everyone had been kept on their toes all day and he was exhausted.   
Unfortunately, nobody else seemed to feel the same way. Sirius had been right in saying that everyone would talk about him; when Harry and Ron got into the dormitory they found Neville, Seamus and Dean, in various states of undress, discussing a certain Mr. Black.   
"His parents were in Azkaban, my mum told me," Seamus said, "They're both Death Eaters."   
"Sirius isn't, though, is he?" Ron pointed out.   
"Yeah, but they only tried him for the stuff after Harry's parents copped it, didn't they?"   
"They _didn't_ cop it," Harry said crossly, "They've been in the school for the past week, hadn't you noticed?"   
"Yeah, whatever. But I reckon that anyone who can just kill a friend like that... well."   
"Despite the fact Remus lived?"   
"He was _aiming_ to kill. And he did, it's just lucky it was the werewolf he got."   
"He didn't want to do it, I heard him say so," Harry said, getting thoroughly annoyed now.   
"You caught the Snitch, though, didn't you, Harry? I mean, were you really paying attention to them?" Harry's mouth dropped open.   
"Let's all go to bed," Ron said hastily. 

/\/\/\

Harry slept well enough, but when he woke up the next morning it was to find that the bedclothes were holding him prisoner. Literally. He could move just enough to stop himself from cramping, but they'd somehow wound themselves so tightly around his body that he couldn't sit up, let alone get out of bed.   
"Ron?" he called softly, "Ron, are you awake?"   
"Wha? `Arry? You OK... yipe!"   
"I'm... trapped in the sheets..."   
"Me too," Ron's voice said, "And I know who's responsible, Fred and George did this to me last year in Egypt. We'll have to wait for them to come and let us out..."   
"Hm? Aargh! What's going on?" Neville's voice sounded suddenly from the other side of the room, "I'm stuck!"   
"We all are, Neville," Ron said with a sigh, "We'll just have to wait until Fred and George come to let us out." They lay there and talked for a while, pausing briefly to explain to Dean and Seamus respectively about the bewitched bedsheets, then suddenly a loud roar echoed through Gryffindor tower. Harry heard the boys in the dormitory below them wake up and start yelling, especially Colin Creevey, whose lungs were as well exercised as always.   
"What was that?" Neville asked, sounding thoroughly alarmed.   
"Sounded like a werewolf," Dean said.   
"Probably is," Ron pointed out. "Werewolves are usually really claustrophobic, so I bet Lupin doesn't like being trapped in his bedsheets..." There was a pause while they all considered this.   
"It could be Sirius, too," Neville said eventually. "I mean, he's a Cargen, right?"   
"Good point." 

/\/\/\

As a matter of fact, it _was_ Remus. He'd just woken up and wasn't too pleased at being trapped in the bed, so he'd surrendered to his wolf instincts and yelled, waking the others up in the process; the Marauders and Lily had been given a spare dormitory in Gryffindor tower since three of them had no homes at present.   
"Zzzwha?"   
"Hm?"   
"Gerroff, Bria... hm?"   
"OK, this is embarrassing," James' voice said.   
"Definitely," Lily agreed.   
"We are trapped in the bedsheets," Sirius said slowly.   
"Yes, that seems to be a decent assumption."   
"We are trapped in the bedsheets. We are trapped in the bedsheets. Hm, I do believe we're trapped in the bedsheets. Now, why the bedsheets? We could be stuck to the toilet or pinned by a cushion in the common room, but _no_. We have to be trapped in the bedsheets. You know, I thought we'd passed the boundary to insanity years ago, when we turned the Minister for Magic into a blue teddy, but it seems I was wrong. We are trapped in the bedsheets."   
"Is there any way of _untrapping_ us?" Lily asked.   
"Not until I find out what you two're finding so embarrassing over there," Sirius said.   
"Nothing," James said a little too quickly, "Nothing at all, so if you'd just tell us how to get... hey! How'd you _do_ that?"   
"Oh, I _see_. I'll just do Remus..."   
"No! Do us, _please_ do us..."   
"You never told me you were going to use copins," Sirius said tolerantly. "It's payback time..."   
"Oh, now that is not fair. Publicly embarrassing us just because you lost your temper..."   
"Really? _I_ think it's fair..." Sirius bent over Remus.   
"You're not _really_ going to, are you?" Remus asked his friend in a whisper. Sirius grinned.   
"Well, yeah. But only one or two... you, Harry, Alyssa..."   
"OK, that is mean... but funny. I'm in. Once I see this."   
"Right. I have to come in."   
"Oh, no. You promised you would never come in..."   
"I need to. I promise, I'll only do what I need to. Marauder's word..."   
"Fine..." Remus relaxed, and felt Sirius enter his mind.   
It was a strange feeling, having a Cargen in control; and more so because only half of Remus wanted Sirius in there. _A/n; For the last time, if you have not read _Live Free or Die_, read it NOW! I'm not explaining all this again!_> The human part of his mind just kept trying to reject Sirius, but the wolf part was happy to let him stay.   
_Right, let's see._ Sirius' voice said in his mind, _shapeshift, shapeshift... ah! Sorry `bout this, Remus..._ Remus felt his body begin to mutate, but he felt something else, too; the grip the bedsheets had on him loosened, and even as Sirius switched his morphogenic field _A/n; shape-changing `switch`_> back to human and exited his mind, he sat up and looked to see what was so embarrassing for Lily and James.   
It was obvious immediately; they were both in James' bed and Lily was lying on top of James, looking rather pink, though James didn't seem to be the right colour either. The bedsheets had obviously activated at just the wrong moment for both of them. Remus tried not to smirk too obviously.   
"OK, you've seen it, you've laughed, now GET US OUT OF HERE!" James yelled.   
"Sirius, are you _sure_ you want Harry to see this?"   
"You cannot do this to us!"   
"Hmm... good point, actually."   
"Right, so if you're not going to show Harry, how about letting us out?"   
"I'll go get Alyssa..."   
"NO!"   
"I'll tell her to bring her camera..."   
"No, you will not, you will let us out..."   
"I'll get her right now..." 

/\/\/\

When Fred and George worked their way up to the Marauders' dormitory fifteen minutes later, it was to find Alyssa Potter taking photo after photo of her brother and his wife, cackling as she did so.   
"What.. how did you all get out of bed?" Fred asked while George goggled.   
"Simple," Sirius said.   
"Uh-oh," Remus muttered. Sirius glared at him.   
"It _is_ simple. The suspended animation caused by activation of the enchantment on the bedclothes is firm only when the subject of aforementioned enchantment does not, voluntarily or involuntarily, cross the transmorphic border."   
"OK, I think I speak for all of us when I say, `Huh?`" Lily said after a pause.   
James, however, cried "Yes!" transformed briefly into a stag, turned back into a human and rolled Lily off him, threw back the bedclothes and sat up, groping for his glasses.   
"Would someone explain that in English, please?" Lily repeated. Sirius opened his mouth. "Not you." Sirius closed his mouth.   
"The spell's only stable if you stay the same shape. It can't handle transfigurations of any kind," James explained.   
"Oh." 

/\/\/  
A/n; Yes, weird, I know, I'm having problems again =P NOT mental ones. Well, maybe mental ones ;-) Readers of the Enchanted Forest Chronicles may have noticed that I've been reading them recently; there's a bit of Telemain in that last scene. Oh well. Only one more chapter to write... then I get to switch back to normality. What passes for normality, anyway. Many thanks to my beta-reader, Miss Caitlin Black! =D   
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	7. Malfoy's Crush (Saturday/Sunday)

Part 7 Prankster War   
By Admiral Albia 

In which Fred and George publicly embarrass Malfoy, and the Marauders get the glimmerings of an idea... 

Disclaimer; I do not own the Marauders, the Weasley twins, or any friends, family and enemies thereof. I do, however, own Bria, Tkaa, Binary, Milton, Aelops and Otto... oh, and the recipe for invisible chalk ;-). The form James uses was first printed in the_ Beryl the Peril Book 1975_ and is copyrighted to D.C. Thomson and Co., ltd. Many thanks to my beta-reader, Caitlin Black =D 

_I'm terribly sorry it's taken so long, it wasn't so much because Fanfiction.net was down than because I wasn't here ;-( Still, I've got the sequel planned out, and it's gonna be... errrr... well, Malfoy's going with Harry, Ron and Hermione to werewolf school, so hazard a guess ;-) And no, Remus DOESN'T bite them =) Haven't you ever heard of transfer students?_

Chapter Seven; Malfoy's Crush (Saturday/Sunday)   
"Can we come in?"   
"Sure." James opened the door and let Harry, Ron and Hermione step into Myrtle's toilet. "It's not like we're doing anything."   
"Why not?" Ron demanded.   
"We're currently ahead of them by quite a long way, so we're taking a rest," Remus said idly from one of the cubicles. "Incidentally, they checked the Quidditch scores and you _didn't_ win, Harry, it was a draw. We were a hundred and fifty points up when you... er... `caught` the Snitch. The real one, I mean."   
"I know, Madam Hooch told us this morning."   
"You cheated, though," Hermione said, frowning.   
"So? It's a Prankster War. Anyone who thought we were being honest with all that stuff about `no pranks` doesn't know us that well..." James said carelessly.   
"_I _thought you were being..." Sirius began. James shifted position ever so slightly and in doing so managed to kick his friend's shin. "Ow!"   
"What are the twins planning?" Remus asked.   
"Dunno, they won't let us in. Something with Malfoy, I think."   
"Malfoy?" James frowned. "Isn't he the one who's got a crush on Lily?"   
"Yep," Remus confirmed. "Ironically, he absolutely hates Muggle-borns. Oh, and Harry. And he's Snape's little pet. Need I go on?"   
"No. Get out of that cubicle, Moony, I'm gonna throw up..."   
"Not on me you don't!" Myrtle shrieked.   
"Through you, surely," Sirius teased her. The air was suddenly rent with sobs from Myrtle and loud, fake retching from James. 

/\/\/\

"Reckon this'll work, Fred?"   
"Why shouldn't it? He's already _got_ the crush, we're just... enhancing it a bit. Pass the bat teeth, would you?" 

/\/\/\

The trickiest part of the operation was persuading Malfoy's eagle owl to help, but it eventually consented. Once they'd sent it off, Fred turned to George.   
"We'll get top marks for this! The adults'd better have something good in mind..." And, chuckling, the Weasley twins headed back to the common room... 

/\/\/\

"Ten, five, six. Five points. Beat that!"   
"It'll be my pleasure. Blackjack! Twenty-one points, I win again..."   
"I haven't had my go yet."   
"Oh, go on then. If you must."   
"Six, seven, eight. Hah! Twenty-one points too! Game continues, James is out..." James sighed. He always _had_ been useless at this game, even if it was a matter of luck. Leaving the other two to the battle of the blackjacks, he got up and wandered over to where Lily was bonding with Harry. In a rather more literal sense, the two of them were complaining about Petunia.   
"- And then Uncle Vernon said I had to say I'd been going to St Brutus' School for Incurably Criminal Boys, or something, like that, and then -"   
"Vernon? She _married_ that idiot?"   
"Well, I can't see her doing..." Harry made a vague motion with his hands - "without being married, somehow."   
"Can't you? I can. I _have_," Lily added smugly. "We shared a bedroom."   
"Vernon?" James sat down in an empty chair, discovered that Sirius' pet dragon Bria _A/n; READ LIVE FREE OR DIE _**NOW**_, IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY!_> was asleep in it wrapped up in his Invisibility Cloak, stood up, displaced Bria, separated Cloak and dragon and sat down again. "Wasn't he the one I punched?"   
"Yep."   
"Did you _really_?" Harry asked.   
"Yeah. I was originally intending to hex him, but Sirius'd nicked my wand so I punched him instead."   
"What made you want to hex him?"   
"Can't you guess?"   
"Oh."   
"Speaking of which, Harry, there's a few things I wanted to clear up with you." James conjured a large clipboard and a quill into his hand. "Could you fill in the form, please? It's easier than me writing it all out."   
"OK." Harry took the clipboard and read the form. Then he did a double take, and read it again. It said; 

> > > Name;.........................................................   
Address;..................................................................................   
................................................................................................   
Age;......   
Height;................   
Colour of eyes;.....................   
Colour of socks;...................   
Age of socks;......   
Number of teeth;........   
Colour of teeth;.........   
Age of teeth;.......   
Date of birth;................   
Date of pudding;..............   
Number of brothers;..............   
Number of sisters;..............   
Number of elephants;............   
Colour of elephants' socks;.............   
Height of cheek;....................   
Favourite singer;....................................   
Favourite Chaser;..................................   
Favourite dinner;....................................   
Age of neighbour's camel;...................   
Height of Mount Everest;.....................   
Colour of Red Sea;....................   
Name of left foot;.......................   
Colour of left foot;......................   
Size of hat;.................   
Size of cat;.................   
Number of mice;...................   
Colour of vest;...................   
Load of rubbish, Y/N?

Harry checked the `Y` box on the last question and handed the form back. His father beamed at him.   
"Excellent, you have a head on your shoulders!" 

/\/\/\

Tap. Tap. Tap.   
"Yours, Draco," someone by the window said. Malfoy went to let his owl in, puzzled; he hadn't demanded anything from home recently, and it was only a week since his last sweet delivery. Curious, he yanked the letter and small package off his owl's foot so hard it fell over and flew indignantly off to the Owlery. Draco didn't care; he'd opened the package to find a small bottle containing a pinkish liquid. He opened the note, which had presumably been written on his father's bespelled typewriter. 

> > > > _Draco,_   
_ I appreciate that this is short notice, but your mother has been taken with Squib flu._

Draco gasped. Squib flu rendered its victim completely magicless until it passed over. 

> > > > _Since it can take up to three weeks to take effect, you may have it too. I want you to take this potion with EVERY MEAL, understand? All you need to do is to pour a teaspoon of it into your goblet of pumpkin juice and drink normally._   
_ Owl me when you run out._
>>>> 
>>>> _Father_

  
/\/\/\ Of course, Draco didn't know that at that very moment, Fred and George Weasley had re-entered the Gryffindor common room, grinning wickedly... 

/\/\/\

Sunday was the day that the judges would give their final marks, which meant that breakfast was a very wild affair. Hermione found a small plastic beetle in her pumpkin juice thanks to the Marauders, and a real spider somehow worked its way onto Ron's plate, causing him to spill bacon and eggs all over Neville in his panic. He said several very rude words to Fred and George and was threatening to hit them when Professor McGonagall showed up.   
Over at the Slytherin table, Malfoy's `medicine` had turned his pumpkin juice bright red, and made it taste of strawberries for some reason. He drank it as quickly as he could and stifled a huge burp. At the Gryffindor table, one of the Weasleys nudged his twin.   
A glint of red caught Draco's eye as Lily turned her head. In a dream, he got up and started towards the Gryffindor table... 

/\/\/\

"Honestly, you three, didn't you pay _any_ attention in Muggle Studies?"   
"Nope," Sirius said cheerfully.   
"Old Candwiggle was too gullible for us to pay attention," James added.   
"Yeah..." Remus sighed wistfully. "Remember when we told him we'd just been bitten by vampires and he believed us, and we got the rest of the day off?"   
"So _that's_ where you all went!"   
"Oh, come on, Lily, you must have noticed that Snape got more custard on him than usual..."   
"Push off, Malfoy," Ron said as the Slytherin stopped in front of them. Fred and George looked up with interest.   
"What'd happen if a vampire _did_ bite a werewolf, anyway? I mean, would you get a man who became a vampire every full moon, or a vampire who became a wolf at full moon, or a wolf who turned into a bat at full moon, or vice-versa..."   
"I'm not hanging around a vampire haunt just so you can find out, thanks, Sirius. Did you want something, Draco?" But Malfoy wasn't listening; he was staring at Lily with some kind of unashamed reverence.   
"What's _your_ problem?" She asked him irritably. He'd been following her around too much recently for her to be patient.   
"I love you."   
"Wonderful. Buzz off." Malfoy stayed rooted to the spot.   
"Hello?" Lily waved a hand energetically in front of Malfoy's face. "Is anyone at home? Or should I leave a message after the tone?"   
"Huh?"   
"I think it's a Muggle joke..."   
"Oh." Sirius turned his attention back to Lily and Malfoy. He wasn't the only one; the entire school was taking an interest now.   
"Mr Malfoy, didn't anyone ever tell you to follow a doctor's orders to the letter? _Go away_."   
"She always _did_ play hard-to-get," James murmured to the others.   
"Mrs Potter..."   
"Yes?" Malfoy got down on one knee.   
"Will you marry me?" Lily gawped at him, then her eyes narrowed suspiciously. The Great Hall rang with laughter.   
"Have you been taking anything unusual?" Fred and George stopped laughing abruptly.   
"I thought so. What did you two put in his pumpkin juice?" Fred spoke up.   
"Just a Pheromone Enhancer. Nothing that'll cause lasting damage, except to his dignity. It should wear off any second..." Malfoy blinked suddenly and looked down in horror. "...Now. You're meant to have a ring when you propose, Malfoy..." To Harry's interest, Malfoy had actually gone bright red for the first time ever. He jumped to his feet and ran out of the Hall, with everyone's mirth following him; everyone's except Lily, that is.   
"And what about _my_ dignity?"   
"Oh, come on, Lils, it was just a bit of fun."   
"Uh-huh."   
"And anyway, you've been in more embarrassing positions. Remember that time in hospital when our spells dressed you in a bikini and a sombrero?" _A/n; _see _Marauders in Hospital_>   
"Yes, but everyone _else_ looked stupid too..." Remus hit his forehead suddenly.   
"That reminds me. James, I've been looking at the basic theory and I reckon we could do a Master with only three of us."   
"Really? Then what are we waiting for?"   
"You to finish breakfast, possibly? That sausage has been on your fork for almost five minutes now."   
"Bugger breakfast." James stuck the sausage in his mouth, put his fork on his plate and dragged the other two out of the room. The last thing they heard him say was, "We've got a war to win..." 

/\/\/  
For anyone who actually read _Marauders in Hospital_, they're _not_ going to use the Mega-Plan again. It's going to fester a little longer. Nope, this is going to be... bigger. Tune in at some point for chapter 8! OK, so I lied when I said I only had one chapter to write =P. Why can't I finish when I want to? Many thanks to my wonderful beta-reader, Caitlin Black!   
Take two minutes to review my works and give me much-needed moral support. Constructive criticism much appreciated!   
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	8. Peace Treaty (Sunday)

Part 8 Prankster War   
By Admiral Albia 

In which we discover `Da Book of Pranksters`, Lily and James have a domestic battle and the winners are announced. 

Disclaimer; I do not own the Marauders, the Weasley twins, or any friends, family and enemies thereof. I do, however, own Bria, Tkaa, Binary, Milton, Aelops and Otto... oh, and the recipe for invisible chalk ;-). The form James uses was first printed in the_ Beryl the Peril Book 1975_ and is copyrighted to D.C. Thomson and Co., ltd. Many thanks to my beta-reader, Caitlin Black =D 

Chapter Eight; Peace Treaty (Sunday)   
"NonononononoAAAAAARRRGH!"   
"I've found a tickly bit!"   
"AAAARRGH! NOOOOOOOOO!"   
"Oooo, can I have a go?"   
"NOOOOOOOOO!"   
"Sure. It's just there, see?"   
"Cool!"   
"AAAAAAARRGH!" It was at this point that Lily poked her head round the door.   
"The feast's ready - what _are_ you doing?"   
"Well, Sirius told us he's not ticklish, so we're proving him wrong."   
"AAAAAAAAARRRRGHeeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeAAAAAAARRRGH! STOPPIT!" Remus stopped tickling his friend and Sirius sat up, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. "OK, I admit it, I'm ticklish. Did you want something, Lily?"   
"Yeah. The feast's ready, and according to ancient tradition you, as the unrequited champions, have to go in before the staff or your opponents. To put it simply, Dumbledore's hungry."   
"We're coming. Just as soon as Sirius gets up, we're coming..." Sirius got up.   
"Aren't you going to do anything about those?" Lily asked, eyeing the rumpled Marauders with distaste.   
"Those what?"   
"Those clothes."   
"Nah. I don't know about those two, but my robes are just getting comfortable from where _somebody_ ironed them."   
"They're a mess!"   
"I _like_ them in a mess!" 

/\/\/\

Fifteen minutes later, Sirius and Remus towed the still-bickering Lily and James into the Entrance Hall.   
"Sorry we're late, they're having a domestic battle," Remus apologized.   
"I put them on the floor so I can wear them again!"   
"How am I supposed to know that?"   
"Gods, woman, you've lived with me for nearly seventeen years!"   
"Uh-uh. We've been _married_ for nearly seventeen years. I've _lived_ with you for about three years..." Sirius groaned, and filled his lungs.   
"SHUT UP!" They shut up. "Thank you. Lily can you go in now? It'd somehow wreck the procession if the Bearer of the Book-"   
"-_da_ book -"   
"-Whatever, is having an argument with his wife over the exact placement of clothes in bedrooms. It just... doesn't sound right, somehow."   
"What book?" Fred asked as Lily walked into the Great Hall and James stuck his tongue out at her back. The Marauders stared at him.   
"You don't know about da Book?"   
"De ultimate Book of Knowledge, Pranks and Funny Thingys?"   
"How did you get this far without discovering the Book of the Pranksters?"   
"In the beginning," Remus began reverently, "there was the school. And Satan said, `Let there be pranks!` and He sent down to Hogwarts His prophet, the idiot Tom Fool, and there were pranks. And all was well in the school."   
"...at least until Tom Fool blew up Salazar Slytherin," Sirius added. "In his second year, I believe."   
"Can we go in now?" Snape asked grumpily.   
"And that was why Gryffindor and Slytherin had an argument," James explained. "Slytherin wanted to expel Tom Fool." He picked up a large hardback book - about the size and weight of one volume of the _Encyclopaedia Britannica - _and drew a large whoopee cushion from his pocket, which he inflated with his wand before placing the Book reverently on top of it. Then, slowly, in the most dignified way possible, he began to walk into the Great Hall...   
...and was tripped over by Sirius.   
"Ancient ritual complete," Remus said, grinning, as the whoopee cushion let out all its air under James' head and the Book bounced to the front of the Hall, "let's go." 

/\/\/\

"I know you all want to eat, but this comes first," Dumbledore said. "Go on, then, James. Tell them about the start of the Prankster War." James opened the Book and cleared his throat.   
Mumblemumblemumble.   
"What?" Remus asked. "Speak clearly!"   
"This _is_ clearly."   
"Oh, give it here, I'll do it." Sirius grabbed the Book from his friend and started to read.   
"And in his seventh year there came to the School two boys of mixed parentage, and in the first week Helga Hufflepuff's nose hair developed ringlets, and in the second Samuel Slytherin, the young son of Salazar Slytherin, found a frog in his underpants, and in the third week Tom Fool ventured into the woods to find the boys there before him. And all was not well in the school.   
"And so a contest was arranged, to find the best of the pranksters. And the teachers were pleased, for it meant they would know who had performed what tomfoolery. And to this day the Prankster War remains, and the author is sick of putting `and` at the start of every sentence because that's not how people talk anyway. And then it's signed Tom Fool."   
"Exactly. And who won, Minerva?"   
"Well, it was a near thing," Professor McGonagall admitted. "Once Mr. Malfoy proposed to Lily, we had real problems deciding. But we eventually picked a team, and the winners are..."   
The Slytherin table exploded with a bang, sending dishes and people sky-high. The Ravenclaw table began to spew firecrackers in every direction, while its occupants were suddenly placed in swimming costumes and trunks. The Hufflepuff table became a badger.   
Nothing happened to the Gryffindors, except for a few flying Slytherins. Malfoy, to his everlasting embarrassment, landed almost on top of Lily.   
And in the middle of the room, four symbols were made out of sparks... a circle, a wiggly line, a paw and a sort of curved `V`. The Marauders looked at each other, then pointed their wands. The wiggly line vanished.   
"Oh, all right then," Professor McGonagall said. "You've earned it. You're still the champions. Not that you were going to lose the title in any case. The winners are the Marauders!"   
"And we'd like to take this opportunity to give Harry back his Cloak and our map," James added, throwing them to Harry who caught them one-handed.   
"_Your_ map?" George asked, surprised.   
"Well, we wrote it. Why?"   
"You... wrote... the... Marauders'... map..." Fred laughed suddenly. "No wonder you won!"   
"Thanks! Come on, let's eat." 

/\/\/\

"Well, I hope you're happy now," Lily said grumpily as they sat down.   
"Oh, very." James grinned at his wife. "We haven't got any worse since we were twelve."   
"Depends on how you define `worse`," she muttered. "Oh well. At least you didn't turn any people into animals this time." Behind her, Snape let out a loud squawk and turned into a turkey. Malfoy found himself returned to ferretdom, courtesy of the Weasley twins. A shadow fell across the table.   
"A-hem," said a voice the adults recognized. Sirius looked up.   
"Hi, Emilily. Nice cossie." She scowled at him.   
"Is it aimed at me personally, or my old house in general?"   
"You personally. How's Mike?"   
"You try eating dinner off a badger," a disgruntled voice said from behind Emilily. "Can we sit down?"   
"Sure." They sat down. "Everyone who doesn't know them, this is Emilily Dinglebonk and Michael Wandworth." The chatter at the Gryffindor stopped abruptly, and everyone's heads turned as if on strings.   
"_Who_?" Ron asked.   
"You heard," Emilily told him, smiling. She was about the same height as Sirius; they were all roughly the same height; with long blond hair and blue eyes. Ron rounded on Sirius.   
"You know _the Emilily Dinglebonk?_"   
"Yep. We did our first show together." Sirius' wave took in not only himself and Emilily, but Michael too.   
"He was the third member of our group, who left before we became famous," Michael explained.   
"Through no fault of my own, I might add. Why didn't you come for my trial?"   
"Substitute actors on holiday in mid-season. Don't ask why, I don't know. We've just finished the show."   
"What were you doing?"   
"Anything Goes, it's a Muggle one. Pure fluke we ended up together."   
"Anything Goes, _again_?"   
"Yeah." Michael rubbed a hand through his red hair. "The guy who plays Public Enemy Number Thirteen is really crap, not half as good as you were."   
"_Nobody's_ as good as Sirius at those parts," Emilily said.   
"Aw, shucks. You should've said! I'd've shot him for you..." _A/n; you need to have seen _Anything Goes_ to understand this, OK? It _is_ a real show._> They laughed.   
"What's the big thing with Emilily?" Hermione asked Ron in an undertone. Harry and Dean leaned in to listen.   
"What do you mean, what's the big thing? She's only _the_ best actress in the world! Hundreds of shows, loads of W/WAA's..."   
"...People screaming at me everywhere I go..." Emilily put in.   
"I sure know how _that_ feels," Sirius said wryly.   
"What's a W/WAA?" Harry asked.   
"Wizard/Witch Acting Award," Sirius said. "Personally, I think Emilily buys hers from junk shops." He ducked as she hurled a boiled potato at him; it hit Michael, who retaliated with a pork pie.   
A full-fledged food fight would probably have broken out right then and there, if Dumbledore hadn't got to his feet and told everyone to go to bed. Lily and James grabbed Harry as he made his way out of the hall.   
"Harry - we may not see you in the morning, we're going house-hunting. Once we find a house we like, we could take a while setting up. We'll tell you when we find one, obviously, but you may have to stay with Sirius or Remus over part of Christmas. Do you mind?"   
"No, not at all," Harry said, wondering why he couldn't stay at Hogwarts. He supposed he'd just have to wait and see. 

/\/\/  
A/n; WAAAAAAA! SO SAAAAD! Sorry, I just hate ending stories. This is the end, so it's your last chance to review this story. Go on, you know you want to ;-)   
The next story in the series will be called `The Werewolves' Magic Institute`, so look for that =) It will feature old favourites such as Otto, plus a whole host of new characters!   
If you liked it, please review my drivel! And thanks ever so gloriously much to my wonderful beta-reader, Caitliiiiiin Blaaaaaack!   
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